Thirty, Latina, and Still Single
November 3, 2009 by Eliana ReyesHave you ever wondered why so many Latinas over the age of 30 are still single? I have.
A few days ago I discussed this topic with some girlfriends. Obviously none of us are even close to thirty, but we are still single. The thought of one day reaching that age and the possibility of still abiding in singlehood is quite frightening. The more I thought about friends who were still not sharing their lives with a significant other the more I asked myself, why?
Why is it that most beautiful, successful, and well-educated Latina women are still not married? As I thought about this, three things immediately came to my mind. The first possible reason is the fear of commitment because of past hurt. Most of this hurt probably comes from a broken household where she was not validated by her father or she had a bad experience with the father figure in her life, which marked her perception of a man. Perhaps she once gave herself whole-heartedly to a man who did not appreciate, value or reciprocate the same commitment. In turn, a core belief was created in her mind that says: “I am never giving my all because it’s never appreciated.”
The second possible reason is the fact that some women don’t know what they want. It’s like being hungry, but not knowing the type of appetite you have and how much you can really handle. So many of my friends go from one unsuccessful relationship to the next, desperately trying to find who they are. I always tell them, how can two broken people fix each other? We must find wholeness in ourselves first so that we become a blessing to that other person.
The last possible reason is that the Latino culture is mal acustumbrado. In other words, couples are accustomed to “living together” and getting the benefits of companionship without true commitment or responsibility. One of my good friends said that since so many women are more focused on their careers, the tradition of marriage is easily thrown out the window. Plus, “with so many government programs that support single women and moms, who needs the support of a man,” she added.
Apparently, this is not only a problem for Latinas. African-American women also have this issue. I mean look at successful women like Oprah and Tyra Banks. Are men intimidated by them? Or are they intimidated by themselves and not being fully valued by a man that is not at their level? One of my girlfriends told me that the main issue for black women is the small pool of “eligible” men they have to pull from. Personally, I have seen a lot of handsome and eligible black men, but often they are with someone outside their race.
Hannah Bruckner, a researcher at Yale University, noted a difference in dating preferences between some black men and women. “Black men are more likely to marry outside of their race, and black women are more likely to marry outside of their education,” she said.
I wonder if this is also true for Latinas. I wonder why most are still single. Is it a personal choice and if so is that any justice to their passionate hearts? Have they given up hope, or are they still hiding behind the “waiting for the right one” excuse? Maybe they have settled with just “living together,” commitment not included.
Regardless of the reason (and I am sure that they vary throughout the different women) there is hope if you are in your thirties and still single. That is, if deep down you still desire to be with someone. One thing is certain — men that approach you will be tired of games and will be finally at a maturity level that can stimulate your intellect and the right type of desires.
The Bible says, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing.” Life gets to a point where the outer shell of a person is no longer of importance because there is a deeper longing for understanding, love, and true commitment.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Well From what i have observed there are many different kinds of women I’ll just stick with two. The secular educated woman thinks of her self as better than a man she is on a power trip and can not submit to a man biblicaly nor be on the same level. They talk about their dream man and blah blah blah in the end their head is to big to see something worthwhile.
A famous saying that they all say “I’m waiting for my Prince”, snap back to reality. All ready your in a dream. A prince on a white horse only happens in dreams and in Hollywood. This perception of the perfect man is a fallacy that modern TV has created and has distorted what real men are.
And then there is the believer- Simply put they are on a spiritual overdose and cant see anything good either. Always looking for that preacher evangelist guy. This happens alot in pentecostal churches and so they are on a never ending quest searching for the invisible. Never acknowledging reality and the way things are supposed to be.
So much more can be said. Things can be said about a man too but lets stick to the article.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Welcome back Ms Reyes! What a distinct pleasure in reading your blogs again. I truly missed you, as well as many other of your devoted readers!!!
Regarding your comments about finding a man for your better half, I get the very distinct impression that the men are to be faulted for a woman’s lack of long term companionship. Well, I beg to differ, as there are many women out there, whether beautiful or homely, that have a problem with finding a man for a long term relationship due to their nature. That is to say, very jealous and/or possesive. Some years back I was in a relationship with a very attractive Cuban woman and with whom we had a son. This woman was the personification of the devil. She is/was petite, but when she got herself into one of those uncalled rages, I’m sure the Devil himself would hide. On the other hand, my dear and beautiful late wife was the extreme opposite. She was very sweet and caring, never once raised her voice or used profanity.
Many times when a couple is dating, the women are the personification of sweetness, however, after they become close, the woman will start showing their ugly and true side. With my dear late wife, from day one to the day she died, she was as true and honest and sweet as one can get.
It seems strange and odd to me that such a beautifull and coquetish looking young woman that you are, find it somewhats difficult to find that true and wonderful mate. Could it be that you may be settings your expectations higher than it needs be? Many women expect the top best, when in reality the middle ground is the best for all intents and purposes. Some women, because they have a higher degree of education, expect to start living in the penthouse once they marry. But I will tell you from personall experience, it is more fun and exciting to start at the basement and work yourself up. There is nothing more exciting than moving to a new home without a stick of furniture and sleeping on the floor for a few days till the new furniture arrives. It’s to say the least, adventurous. That is how my late wife and I did. Eventually we owned two houses and the last one was free and clear of any encumbrances. We also owned, again free and clear, three other properties. During the years that passed, we had a most wonderful time. We traveled quite a bit. She only worked when she got bored at home and then quit her jobs when she got bored of them. At no time was she expected to work. Whatever she earned was hers and hers alone, although many times she bought me things with her earnings. Although we had joint accounts, I insisted that she maintain her own account from her earnings. Likewise with plastics.
Although I am Puertoriqueño, I have never dated a Puertorican woman. I think that it could be for the fact that when I was a little boy in Puerto Rico, I was sitting on the balcon watching the world go by. Then from what appeared to be out of nowhere, I saw a man running at about a thousand miles an hour and bleeding profusely with a woman right behind him with a machete!! Needless to say, that scene made a very strong impression on me. I am not at all suggesting that all Puertoriqueñas are violent, however, I decided to err on the side of caution, thus no unnecessary bleeding on my part. As is ussually the case, when one is young and impressionable, horrible acts that one witnesses tend to stay with one for a very long time and guide their life accordingly. Cést la vie!
Cojalo suave jovencita.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
As a single Latina in my twenties, I believe that the traditions of marriage have been lost and the culture of today has changed what we will ever know a marriage. Marriage is not a secular thing– it was meant to be a unity in the eyes of God as a covenant between a man and women. Because reasons for marriage have been degraded to solely companionship, financial security, fulfilling tradition or sexual satisfaction–life spans of marriages have also been degraded to either never happening or never lasting.
Some are meant for marriage, some are not. I’m looking for quality not quantity—its not necessarily about what he can offer in material things or intellectual competitiveness. It’s about how you work together—it’s a partnership. I believe it’s about understanding what a marriage is, if you don’t know what the purpose is, how can you fulfill it?
Greg: I have to say; I don’t think women are looking for the perfect guy. No one is perfect. They are looking for a guy that perfectly suits them–making him completely imperfect, yet completely compatible. As for the (1) educated women you are referring to, some are on a power trip, however in the end they will find themselves alone and will come to realize that pride will not due. (2) Your experience with saved-Christian woman looking for a “preacher man”– ha! The truth is if their looking they probably should not have. Desires drive us, naturally. God coupling a people is not timed and it will happen when you least expect it– truth be told you need to know yourself before you commit to someone else. Wholeness is found in God and you trying to figure someone else out in the time you should doing that for yourself, will either leave you with a broken heart, defensive or bitter– another quality to add to your bag of reckless emotions and to your list of reason why you should be single. When you are found broken before God, you are found whole before man. Intimacy starts will HIM and no girl or guy will ever satisfy that.
Donald: I guess we’ll never know what caused the raging Puerto Rican women to chase down the man.
“Thirty, HUMAN and still Single?”– I believe you should start questioning where your relationship with GOD lies, rather than your relationships with man– in turn you will find your answer.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I remember not too long ago, that when a man and a woman were engaged, they did not live together untill marriage. Now days, on the other hand, one sees couples refering to each other as “my fiancee”, while at the same time living together with several children. The sanctity of marriage no longer holds true. The divorce rate is sky high. And of course sex before marriage was taboo.
So, to some degree I do not fault some men and women from holding off or postponing the marriage rituals. Sadly, serendipity does not come into play in a succesfull marriage as it did in the past. Nowdays, one would be very lucky to marry a wonderful partner, and in order to find that out, the marriage has to be a long one without any trials and tribulations.
Lately, for whatever reasons, I have been dreaming of my dear late wife a lot. I, after twelve and a half years since her death, still miss her as much, if not more than ever. Ours was one of those marriages that was very succesfull, full of love, caring and respect for each other. I was priviledged to have known her precisely half her lifetime. We met just after she had turned 21, and sadly, she died a few months after she turned 42. We met in June 1976, and she died in June 1997.
I suggest to today’s young people to not rush into marriage and wait for for that little arrow which will point to the true moment of love. Your expectations should neither be high nor low, as it would not matter either way. Above all, do not engage in any sexual relationship with each other prior to marriage. I believe that any physical contact prior to marriage will lessen the mutual respect that that should be mutually given.
November 16th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Ms Reyes
I was hoping that by now you would have written a rebuttal to the responders to your blog. It appears that that is not the case. Perhaps if you give it more thought, you may come up with something very interesting.
Noelia; In as much as I find it distateful to bring up the subject, on your last paragraph to Ms Reyes, you pointed out to Ms Reye’s lack (sort of)of a relationship with god. Since the existence of god (noticed that I do not capitalize the word god) has never been proven, it only exist in the minds of those that were brainwashed as children, was to say the least, uncalled for. However, I believe that Ms Reyes was also brainwashed, so therefore she may feel compelled to go out and pray with all her heart for something that she ALONE has control of. No one has control of self, except self. No unseen or non-existen diety can compel someone to do that which is is in their control. To believe otherwise, is the mark of a fool or someone that has been brainwashed as a child.
It has always been my belief that no child should be exposed to any religion whatsoever untill they reach the age of majority. If it means anything, as a child I attended catholic parochial schools. At the time as well as now, I was never brainwashed. Some people, however, need to to have someone or some belief, to hold their hands (figuratively of course) for the rest of their lives because they are incapable of making decisions. But those people I put in the same genre as mentally ill persons.
Fuera de eso, no problema!
November 27th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Ah…Impatience always talks so suddenly…
Greg: Thanks so much for your comment. I think there are many more types of women and different factors that add to their individual dynamic. Regardless of the situation, I think a woman and a man as well have to be certain of what they want first, and find happiness without depending on another person.
Donald: To your first comment, my blog was not about me finding a man. I am not seeking one and know where I stand regarding that. It was just a curios question/observation. I know who I am. I know my worth and I know what I want. Thanks for sharing some of your story about your wives. I don’t agree with “ Many times when a couple is dating women they are the personification of sweetness however, after they become close, the woman starts showing their ugly and true side.” I think that is true in some cases for both men and women. Just because that was your experience does not mean it becomes the definition of the standard.
Noelia: I agree with you totally. The tradition has been lost, and most people no longer see the value of a marriage. Though never married, I think marriages show an individual just how selfish he/she is. My opinion is that nowadays humans tend to be very selfish and self centered, who can blame them though.
Donald: To your second comment, I agree with you saying that young people should not rush to marriage. I couldn’t have said that part better myself. I don’t think Noelia last paragraph was for me directly. I think it was general. She well knows where my relationship with God is!!
November 28th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Donald, let me just tell you that I love your boldness. It gets me excited to see you bluntly and with such conviction express your views on GOD (notice that I do capitalize the word GOD, as he is the Almighty). I think the topic of religion is always a sticky one, especially when entertained by people with opposing views and testimonies. Nonetheless, it can be entertaining.
I too was raised Catholic Donald, and once I entered high school I broke all ties with Catholicism. We were never “hardcore devout” Catholics anyway. To me it was boring, dry, and I never found great satisfaction while sitting in mass. My spirit craved a deeper truth. I felt a void inside of me and I just knew there was something greater out there. I did not know what it was. Thankfully, college changed my life and I became more spiritual, more aware of my purpose, and had a desire to live and be all I was created to be. I experienced God on a different level, and with time began to get knowledge of who HE IS and who I AM, within him. This story is much more detailed, but I will keep it there.
The human mind is unable to capture the essence of who God is. It’s not possible. If you are relying on science to prove God, you will get no where. Science can’t even prove a thought, and yet we think. The truth is that we are spiritual beings on a human journey. God created us in His own image (in the spirit). But nowadays what you see is people creating God in their own image. God is as big as your idea of Him is. If you do not think he is capable of doing the miraculous, he won’t. You can’t understand a supernatural God with a human mind.
Religion is mans way of pleasing God. God hates self-made religion, and his desire is for his creations to be reconciled back to him. He wants an intimate relationship with us. He is very clear with what he accepts as religion. “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1:27, NIV)
I think its foolish to make assumptions without all the facts, and without the understanding that allow one to make a proper judgment. Ones unbelief of God does not make HIS faithfulness without effect. It’s like a person who does not believe gold exists in the United States, simply because they have never seen it, experienced it, or held some in their hand. This unbelief does not mean that gold is not in the US, neither does it mean that it eliminates any just because of one restricted mind. Gold will continue to circulate and serve its purpose. It is the hope of those who have and enjoy gold that those that are without might come to have what is already rightfully theirs.
And so, I do not lack judgment, neither am I mentally ill or brainwashed. I know what I see. I know what I feel. I know what I have experienced. I know truth. I have free will and I am capable of making my own decisions. God is not my clutch, only the source of my shine. Like the word of God says:
“But the natural, nonspiritual man does not accept or welcome or admit into his heart the gifts and teachings and revelations of the Spirit of God, for they are folly (meaningless nonsense) to him; and he is incapable of knowing them [of progressively recognizing, understanding, and becoming better acquainted with them] because they are spiritually discerned and estimated and appreciated.” ( 1 Corinthians 2:14, Amplified Bible)
Take it easy, Donald!!!
November 28th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Eliana, thank you for your insightful rebuttal. You write and make some interesting points regarding religion. However, I consider myself a student of history, and from what I have studied, and debated, I have come to the conclusion that even intellectuals will fall for the mesmerizing attributes of religion. The great majority of these intellectuals have been brainwashed as children. As children we tend to think that whatever our parents tell us has to be the truth, for after all, our parents are not going to lie to us. Case in point, yours truly, ( I am not to be confused as an intellectual). Nevertheless, I always remember my mother telling us to kiss the piece of bread which we were about to throw away. And you know what?, I used to kiss any piece of bread which I discarded simply because my dear mother infused me with that thought. I was an adult before I stopped that practice. The point here being, that if a child is exposed to religion or a political belief, the child will believe it. No child should be exposed to any religion or political idea untill they reach the age of majority. One does not give liquor or let a child drive, untill the age of majority, so why should religion be any different? They are all bad. Religion takes away the independent will of freewill.
Now days, we have the problems with the Muslims. Those men that crashed those airplanes on the Twin Towers, were by no means dummies. They were college educated. It takes quite a bit to understand how a jetliner works. However, they too were exposed to those Madrasas as children, thus unable to make a rational decision about the consequenses of their actions. The same holds true for the suicide bombers.
The christians practiced a similiar philosophy during the times of the Inquisitions. Either you believe in their ways or you died. As I am sure that you know this already, but many, many thousands of people died because the church said that they were heretics. Jews and Muslims were literary forced to convert on the pain of death. That to me does not show love to you fellow man. Many of the practices of Islam nowdays, are very similiar to the notorious and barbaric ways of the christians. In effect, they are emulating that which the christians did a few centuries ago. Had it not been for the actions of Galibardi in Italy during the 1840s, the Papal States would still be in existence today. The vatican ruled with an iron fist about one third of Italy up until then.
Science was also frowned upon, because if it wasn’t in the bible, therefore it cannot be true. Galileo is one of the more famous cases. Science was thought to be detrimental, because it went against the teaching of the church. Of course as we now know, that was a lot of malarky. Etc., etc., etc.
Cojalo suave jovencita!!
December 9th, 2009 at 11:31 am
It is a amazing reading the various comments and insights that analyzes communication amongst the opposite sex. I pray that you guys will forgive me for my short input relating to the original discussion concerning “Thirty, Latina, and Still Single”. I truly respect and appreciate the comments that have been left by readers of this topic. While reading each posting, I was going to write this long explanatory, descriptive, psychosocial analyses about women, men, the difficulties of dating blah blah… But as I sipped my warm hot chocolate on this cold rainy day in Central Philadelphia and listen to the sounds of soothing jazz music in the background, I decided not today. See, today is beautiful within its own rights. Some people may be angry that it is raining and can’t wait for the sunshine again. Others may be excited for the rain and might want to take advantage of those lovely rain boots that they receive last Christmas (ladies you know what I’m talking about, yes you do). No matter how you look at the rain you still have to deal with it.
The same thing goes with people, love, communication, and relationship. It’s all about how you deal with the storms of your life. Now some of us have been washed away with the thunderstorms of past hurts (horrible relationships, etc…). Others have had the opportunity to soak in the rain drops of love. But no matter what your experience has been,, the rain forces all of us to bring out one thing. An umbrella. The true discussion and answer lies within the details of the umbrella. Now, if your thirty, latina, educated-female, and still single? By all means leave your number on this blog site. haha. Just joking. Women!!! if your 30 and not married, relax!!! Also get away from your girlfriends. How are you suppose to meet Mr. Right if you keep doing these Single Ladies Friday Night Outings(Eating and gaining weight, and asking yourself why you don’t have a man. put down the El Pollo, Ms. Loco) What’s the point of hanging around other people that aren’t as successful in the very thing your trying to be successful in. Back to the umbrella.
The umbrella can be a means of how we cope with the struggles of life. Some women who are highly educated, successful, single but hide behind there success and are not willing to share their umbrellas with others (men) due to past experience. So they “busy” themselves to death as time goes by. You know what I’m talking about. You see them checking their blackberry cell phones all day; talking about how much they have to do, get really defensive if they even sense that a guy is trying to flirt with them (Because they think all men want one thing, which is true. Sports Center. haha) They always so quick tell you, how they are not looking for relationship right now, they are at peace with themselves, blah blah) But in all actuality they are the ones who think about a relationship more than anybody else . They “busy’ themselves to death until time eventually stop working in their favor. So here they are, successful at their careers; good amount of money in the bank account, been the maid of honor at a least two of their girlfriends’ weddings, been to almost every baby shower but still going home to cold empty bed with no engagement ring. But look on the bright side. At least your girlfriends can call you to babysit when they want to go out on a date with their husbands. Because honestly, they know your available and haven’t been on a successful date for three years.
Life is about how you deal with the rain. You can decide to take a chance and share your umbrella with someone else no matter how bad the storm is( financial complications, not tall enough, etc..). Or you can…. Sorry I have lot more to add to this topic. But I realize that I got to get ready for a simple short ice cream date with a busy 30 year old spanish business student. She just text me through her blackberry asking where am I .
December 9th, 2009 at 11:38 am
By the way I’m “Mr.” Andrews
December 18th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Donald, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, I AGREE WITH YOU!
Greg, you too.
Mr. Andrews, you’re on point.
Eliana, I love you, keep the good work going.
Noelia, hi I’m Gerson, nice to meet you…
Eliana, Feliz Navidad
Holla!
Gerson
December 18th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Ms (or Mr.) Andrews; Is the “umbrella” a metaphor for something that which you have been unable to accomplish? Have no fear, as life is full of wonderfull surprises. Trust me on this.
¡ FELIZ NAVIDAD Y PROSPERO AÑO NUEVO!
December 20th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Don Gerson, it gives me great pleasure in knowing that you agree with me, however, since your posting is almost AN HOUR BEFORE mine, I’m at a loss at to what we are in agreement.
Cojalo suave joven